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(Jacob’s Diary) Wave After Wave
April 6, 2012
When I woke up this morning it all came crashing down on me. The news I heard last night.
All the mixed emotions: anger, sadness, helplessness.
For a few minutes, everything felt surreal. Almost like it wasn’t happening. I had a moment of peace, living in a dreamland, still half asleep.
Then, I felt my feet dangling off my bed. I saw my old ceiling and I smelled my old quilt.
I was at home because my dad was dying of cancer.
It was one of those unfathomable thoughts that had never crossed before me. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut once reality had set in.
Have you ever had one of those times where you feel like you can hardly breathe? Like there’s some barrier, and no matter how deep of a breath you take, you still feel hollow and breathless?
I just can’t believe it.
Losing my mom was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I can’t imagine losing Dad, too. He was the one who got me through my mom’s death, and now I’m losing him.
Carlisle explained to me last night that there is still a chance he’ll live. A very small chance. From what I researched on Google last night, he’d need a miracle at this rate.
I finally pulled myself out of bed, unwillingly. My body ached. I felt fatigued from being so tense, so stressed. I can’t even remember when I finally fell asleep, but even then I tossed and turned all night long, occasionally waking myself up.
I heard someone crack an egg in a bowl as I was putting my shirt on. “Good morning, Jake!” Sue smiled, pouring some milk in the bowl of eggs as I walked in the kitchen. I nodded at her, I couldn’t muster up more than a half smile to give her. Dad was sitting in his wheelchair at the table, watching me tentatively.
I sat down beside him. “Morning,” I groaned, staring at my empty plate. I felt his hand on my back.
Before he could finish, I looked up at him. I had tears in my eyes, and I saw him frown. I didn’t mean to cry. It just kept hitting me, wave after wave. I wouldn’t think about it for a second, then it would all come back to me like a flood of sadness, of pain.
“It’s really happening, huh?” I said, searching his face for an answer. He pursed his lips, and didn’t say anything. I wiped my face, and sat my head in my hands. Sue was putting bread in the toaster and humming to herself, trying to act like she didn’t overhear us.
My nose felt clogged up and my head throbbed. I used my paper towel to blow my nose and I made sure to avoid Dad’s eyes for the rest of breakfast.
I had a voice mail from Renesmee when I pulled my phone off its charger. She was on her way out here. That thought comforted me. Being with her makes everything seem a little better. Maybe she’ll help with the waves of crying. At the same time, I hope I don’t cry in front of her. I sent her a quick text, telling her to have a safe flight and that I’d see her soon. She must’ve heard from Carlisle, because I hadn’t told her anything yet. She replied, telling me she would be here by noon. Carlisle was with her and so was Bella. I put my phone on my dresser and got some fresh clothes out so I could shower. Dad was at the hospital now; he has almost daily appointments to see how the cancer is progressing, and to change or refill his prescriptions.
When I was in the shower, I used my old body wash and the “2 in 1 Suave for Men” I used every day since I was ten. I hadn’t used it since I moved in with Renesmee. Everything in my old shower made me feel nostalgic. Taking a damn trip down memory lane.
I wrapped my old striped towel around my waist and used my old disposable Gillette razor to shave my wooly face. I got dressed, brushed my teeth, and even gelled my hair.
Then I cried some more.
Like I said, wave after wave.
Once I had pulled myself together, I went and sat in the rocking chair on the porch, facing the woods. I took a deep breath of air, smelling the dying leaves and muddy forest scents. I sensed a raccoon and several squirrels, all going along with their business. I rocked back a forth, the chair creaking, groaning, every time I rocked forward. I closed my swollen eyes and listened to the creek in the distance. Then I remembered where I was.
I got up slowly, looked around, then stripped naked.
Heat shivered up and down every vertebrae of my spine. My arms felt a burst of flames, and I leaped off the porch.
It’s been months since I’ve phased. I huffed. I had forgotten how soothing it felt. I leaped through the woods and started hearing Seth. Before I moved to England, I made sure we were still a pack so I could talk to them when I phased. Seth must have alerted everyone because they all phased, too. Within ten minutes they were standing with me in the middle of the Rez’s woods.
We took off and I ran faster than I ever had before.