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(Esme’s Diary) Chapter 28: Letting Go
March 14, 2012
Dear Diary, “I will always protect you Esme, I promise.” And then almost incoherently he whispered, “I never forgot you.”
Releasing me from his grip Carlisle stood up, holding his hand out for me to take; I looked up at him quizzically.
“Don’t worry Esme, I just want to take you somewhere.” He smiled at me, and I knew that if my heart were still beating it would most certainly have jumped a mile. “Where?” I asked, slightly anxious.
“Do you trust me?’” he asked with the innocence of a child. “It’s a surprise,” he added quickly, maybe seeing the look of confusion on my face. I was scared, and I knew that Carlisle would never force me to go with him, but I also knew that I needed to take a risk and believe in someone. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I didn’t go, I would regret it for the rest of my life. That maybe, something special would come of this.
Hesitantly I reached up to take Carlisle’s hand. A jolt of electricity surged through me as our skin connected. His whole face lit up like the sun.
“Thank you Esme,” he said staring into my eyes, “I know you will like this.” And with that he held my hand tighter and shouted “Let’s run!” The wind felt amazing in my hair and on my face. I felt alive for the first time in a long time, but most of all I felt free. I tried to remember the last time I had felt so carefree and full of hope.
And with a twinge of sadness, I thought about Jonathon and the plans we had made together.
I remembered the purity and honesty of our relationship and I winced with pain when I remembered the gift from Jonathon I had lost. I hadn’t thought of Robert for a while, but the pain reared its ugly head and I began to slow my running. I knew I needed to say goodbye to my past before I could truly move forward and be happy. Carlisle sensed I had stopped and he was by my side in a moment. “Esme what’s wrong?” His face was full of worry and something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
I looked into his eyes with as much honesty as I could and simply said, “I was just thinking of my past.”
His eyes burned into mine and very softly he asked me if I wanted to go back. Yes, I wanted to go back to my life with Jonathon and Robert, yes I wished nothing had changed, but it had and now I had a choice to make. I could hold on to my past and dream of what may have been, or I could choose to let go of my past and build new memories. I certainly would never forget
Jonathon or my precious Robert, but I needed to feel alive inside again, I needed to allow myself to feel again.
I suddenly felt an enormous load lift from my body, and I knew in that moment, with absolute certainty, that after today I would never be the same person again. I looked back at Carlisle and said simply, “No, I don’t ever want to go back. It’s time for me to move forward and live my life now.”
He smiled at me then, and said, “I don’t ever want you to feel you have to do something because I ask you to. All I want is for you to be happy.”
I knew then in that moment I could never be happy without Carlisle in my life somehow. Holding out my hand this time I looked at Carlisle.
“Shall we go?” I asked, a hint of mischievousness in my voice. I liked Carlisle, a lot; I really enjoyed spending time with him while Edward was away.
“Of course.” He smiled back at me, grabbing my hand and pulling me back into a run.
Carlisle came to an abrupt halt beside me. Causing me to run straight past him, my arm almost being pulled out of its socket.
“Thanks for the warning,” I laughed at him, silently thankful that my new enhanced abilities had allowed my mind to work fast enough enabling me to stop a mere foot in front of Carlisle.
“So where are we going?”
“This way.” Carlisle smiled, his eyes dancing with excitement.
Finally, before my eyes, appeared what would have been a large lake, only now it was completely frozen. I looked at Carlisle. I’d heard of skating on ice before, I’d never actually done it though; I’d always been too busy on the farm with my parents to have time available to do that.
“Have you ever skated before Esme?”
I was nervous about this; did he really want me to skate on that? What if I looked silly?
“Err, No, I haven’t,” I replied nervously.
“I’ll be right back.”
Before I had time to turn and ask where he was going Carlisle was back, holding up a pair of boots with a metal blade along the sole of them. I stared at Carlisle and then the boots. Surely he wasn’t serious. I choked out a laugh.
With the boots on and Carlisle already on the frozen lake I gingerly made my way towards him. I stood at the edge of the lake, shaking in the boots, trying to keep myself balanced.
“Come on Esme,” Carlisle smiled at me, “I’ll look after you.” Holding his hands out in front of himself. Taking hold of his hands, rather too tightly, I stepped onto the frozen lake. Surprised at the way it felt underneath me. I want to say ‘I glided to where Carlisle stood,’
however it was more like I stumbled, very un-gracefully. I could feel my feet slipping from underneath me, to anyone else watching it must have looked very entertaining. It was as though I was running backwards, that I had gone too fast for my body and over balanced. It all happened so slowly, as I braced myself for the imminent impact of the hard ice on my bottom.
Carlisle’s strong arms released my hands and wrapped themselves around my body; lifting me effortless into the air and placing me softly back onto my feet. Still holding onto my waist Carlisle looked into my eyes. I tried to move away but he held me firmly in place. My non beating heart would have been doing somersaults now, had I been human. The intensity in his eyes overpowered me. I wanted to look away but there was a force making me hold his gaze. I knew that my feelings for Carlisle were strong; I knew that I felt differently about him than I did with Edward.
I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had felt this way before; I just couldn’t place my finger on it.
“Shall we continue?” Carlisle murmured softly.
Gulping down the lump that had formed in my throat I merely nodded my response. Carlisle readjusted himself so that he was stood behind me, still holding onto my waist.
“Okay, Esme, this time we shall move together. I’ll help you. Push off with your right leg and while your gliding push forward with your left leg. Ready?” Again, I merely nodded, unable to keep my mind away from the fact that Carlisle stood so close to me that his hands were around my stomach. I imagined us laying on a beach somewhere, just us two, watching the stars.
I was snapped out of my day dream by Carlisle pushing off. I tried to copy what he was doing, and gradually, I began to understand the concept of skating on ice. Carlisle and I continued to skate on the ice until just before sunrise. I’d had such a lovely time with Carlisle that I didn’t want to leave.
“I’m sorry that we have to go. Thank you for bringing me here Carlisle, I had a lovely time.”
“It was my pleasure, Esme.”
Walking home in silence, I remembered the way I had felt with Carlisle earlier, and I knew that there was something I needed to do before anything could ever happen.
“There’s something I need to do . . . would you mind if I met you at the house in a little while?”
Carlisle pondered this for a second and then worry became etched on his face. Before he had the chance to respond I continued.
“Carlisle, I am fine, I just . . . err . . . need to say goodbye to someone first.”
An understanding look erupted on his face. “Of course Esme, I’ll see you at home,” Carlisle said, taking off into the woods towards the house.
I followed slowly into the woods, trying to get as deep in as I could before I found a lone tree in a small clearing. It reminded me of that tree back home. I sat down against the trunk, trying to remember everything from my human life. In my memory everything was so distant, vague even.
It was only because I had you, diary, that I remembered anything at all. As I read each page every night, I think of how in love with Johnathon I was, how heartbroken I was when Robert died. I know now that I will never join them, and in a way I have accepted that. I don’t think I could have accepted it without Carlisle and Edward. But I do have them, and they are my family now. I have to let go of the past. If I want any kind of a future with Carlisle I have to say goodbye. So, here goes . . .
Into my life you came, unexpected
Rescuing me from all the pain,
Saying that I should always be protected,
That no matter what, I was not to blame
Together, we vowed to always stay strong,
Through thick and thin we stood fast,
Until that night when things went wrong,
It broke my heart when they told me you had passed,
Fleeing in the night with our butterfly in my womb,
I prayed to you day and night,
Losing our butterfly, my life filled with gloom,
Hoping to join you, I climbed a great height,
But it was not to be, so with a heavy sigh,
It hurts, but now I must say, ‘Goodbye.’
Standing up I felt a lot better, happy even. As I walked back towards the house, I smiled at the stars. Finally making peace with my past.
“Goodbye my wonderful boys, you will forever have a place in my heart.” Forever.
Love Esme xx