Five Years Later

I was sitting on the bed, in our cottage, Edward’s and mine, thinking of this everlasting day that was never going to end. It was true I didn’t feel the physical need to sleep, but I still wished I could. There are some mental needs too. I wondered how did all my family cope with this idea. Then thought that maybe they never really coped, but the fact that they didn’t have a choice into being what we all are, made it more acceptable to them.

I remember my last months as a human with some sweet longing; my moments with Charlie, My last apologetic words to my best friend Jacob, and my overwhelming love to my lover and current husband Edward. I remembered my weakness with a bittersweet feeling… As I thought this to myself, I had to thank God again, because Edward couldn’t hear my thoughts.

Edward who was lying still next to me, was for sure as awake as I was. I didn’t know what is making him that silent, or maybe the fact that we literally have all the time in the world made everything so boring.

Tomorrow we will visit Charlie to say goodbye. Six years had passed since the Cullens made it to Forks, and it will start to get noticeable that we didn’t age. So deciding on moving to Alaska for the next years was essential. I wasn’t so sure I could handle this fine even when I was a cold vampire. I would still miss everything about my most amazing Dad. Thankfully my dad knows the speciality of the situation - thanks to Jacob again- so he would soon be visiting.

It was obvious what five years made to Charlie and Sue. They grew old, wise and peaceful. I internally shivered at the idea that I now am mentally more mature - away from my frozen body at nineteen - to realise that growing wasn’t bad after all. 

Edward teeth made a sound that I knew now was surely anger, and I was afraid he felt my shiverous ideas.

“What is it?” I asked.

“It’s Renesmee” he replied with a sore throat.

I knew he called her Renesmee - not Nessie - when he’s angry with the Jacob thing. Renesmee started to grow now, and her body started to curve, she was equivalent to a fifteen years old girl. That definitely did change the way Jacob thought of her, which annoyed Edward and made him super furious. I was sure to never ask for details regarding Renesmee’s and Jacob’s thoughts, as they were disgusting to me.

“What happened, again?!” I asked just to give him some support.

“She just sneaked out of the cottage, looking for Jacob” He answered in a very annoyed temper.

He went silent for a while, then he asked” Bella, please, can you go after her? She went north, following his smell, she was thinking something regarding kissing him.” Then he added “I think I’ll just kill him if I go myself"

I didn’t pretty much like the idea of me going, but I couldn’t complain. I knew Jacob meant to me much more than to him, and I surely didn’t want to see him dead. So I stood and went out of the cottage.

It was long ago when I was bothered with the cold weather, which is something more to miss. I smiled when I remembered how my reaction to cold was a reason to be Jacob’s protective arms. I stood for a while then headed to the direction of the half-dog-half human smell of my best friend. The closer I got the more his smell became mixed with the sweet scent of Renesmee. 

I wasn’t close enough when I knew I could hear them, so I decided to stay and sneak listening, before Jacob could smell my presence.

“Jake please, listen to me, this isn’t doing any good for both of us” said Renesmee “You have your life here, and you want to fulfil your duties, as a son and as an Alpha.” She paused for a moment, I wondered if she speaks that much to anyone but him. Then she added “Listen honey, rather than Charlie and Sue no one in Forks saw or knew about me, so I can apply to La Push high school where we can go together and stay for some years”

“I don’t know Nessie” Said Jacob with his lovable husky voice, I knew his tone when he wanted to be comforting, “Yes love, I really want to stay, but I won’t be able to separate you now from your parents. I can’t do this to you and to Bella”

After a short pause, he added in a hesitant voice “Nessie, I was thinking of staying for a while, you know for old Billy and the pack, I promise will visit you a lot and will surely be following one day, I know you will be safe with them”

I gasped in the woods, “No!" I wanted to cry, I became too used to Jacob’s presence, it just felt safer for me and for my daughter.

I didn’t hear any sounds for a moment, then I heard him protesting “No Nessie, not now, you are still more of a kid than an adult, I can’t do this to you”

“Just a kiss” she said with a sigh.

“I’m not sure if I will be able to stop myself” He said quietly like he was saying the most simple thing in the world, and the idea irritated me.

“Then don’t control it” replied Renesmee with confidence “We know it will happen in the end”

“Not this way, you have to be knowing what you’re getting into, Ness”

“Jake, please kiss me, I can’t wait longer” She said in command that I knew he won’t be able to resist. 

Silence fell again, and that’s when I found myself crazily running towards them. I don’t know what happened to me at that moment. Technically Renesmee was nearly as mature as I had been when I fell for Edward, and Jacob was the safest person to trust her with. But yet I was extremely unbalanced. I felt my heart burning at this thought, as I remembered the warmth I so much missed. 

I wasn’t so very aware of what I’ll be telling them, but I headed towards them anyway, they have to be stopped.

Apparently Jacob was so busy to catch my smell, because I came to find them kissing so passionately, their lips went together in harmony, and the familiar tremble I saw in this bare shoulders made me sure he was controlling himself, he always had this temper.

“Hey” I shouted loudly.

“Hey” said both of them, they stopped the kiss but their bodies stood as they were. They didn’t feel guilty?

I looked at Renesmee and found that she was in her very short nightshirt, his hands were on her thighs, and for the first time, since I laid my eyes on her, I was jealous of her beauty. She seemed to have had everything; the silky shiny skin but with pink cheeks, the ability to live ever after but still sleeps, and she doesn’t get cold but she has heartbeats.

“What are you wearing?! " I shouted at Renesmee “how dare you go out that way?!” and with disgust I shouted at Jacob “and what the hell are you doing?!”

Renesmee finally replied “ I’m wearing my nightshirt, and I went out that way because I’m in the forest where no stranger can see me, and we are loving each other like you know we should.” 

For the first time in her life, she was talking to me that way. I didn’t blame her because for the first time in her life, i felt something negative towards her and I knew she could sense it.

But before I could reply, she added “And Mom, Jacob and I won’t fly to Alaska next week, we’ll stay with Charlie,Sue and Billy, it’s what he really wants, what we really want”

The first thought that occurred to my mind was whether or not my daughter is steeling my Jacob from me. The idea shocked me, and when I was back to my senses, I asked myself some questions; Do I still really need Jacob like I always did? Did I rush? Did I miss his warmth?

“Yes" I answered cowardly in a hearable voice.

Jacob looked at me in disbelief, he seemed to understand what I thought. I knew that Edward didn’t hear my thoughts but I always wondered if Jacob ever did.

He suddenly had this sad reassuring smile, and said in an orderly manner to Renesmee “Nessie, please go home, I need to sort something out with my best friend” He stressed on the last two words, I wasn’t sure if he wanted to comfort or torture me with them.

She kissed him on his cheek and did what he told her immediately. 

“Bye mom” she said with love in her voice, but I was not so much in love with her at the moment.

As soon as I was sure she left, I ran to Jacob’s chest. I haven’t been there for the past five years since I was human, and it didn’t feel the same because - though he wrapped his arms around me -  I sensed him not liking neither my cold touch nor my smell. I missed when he was tough and strong, stronger than me.

I looked up at him, and saw tears in his eyes. The sight of those tears reminded me how I miss the ability to cry.

“What? Bella? Now? Why?” he asked in an angry manner.

“Because I was… I’m sorry…  I don’t know what to say” I was so close to crying, but I knew tears no longer fell from my frozen eyes.

“I did my best Bella, I wanted you to see, to feel” he said in his same angry manner “ I thought you were so sure”

“I was” I replied. “It’s just that I can’t live without you Jake”

“No” he said with reddish tears falling down his cheeks “You know I can’t” 

“You said you will still be waiting for me!” I said, not believing actually what I was saying"

“And you didn’t seem to like that, Bella,, listen to me, a lot of things had changed-“

“Whatever” I interrupted “You said someone can love two people at the same time”

“Well” He replied in pain, It felt bad to recall all the pain I’d put him in “I didn’t say I just don’t love you anymore, I never really got over it, and no matter how happy I can get, the pain doesn’t seem to fade away. But Bella it’s complicated, Ness is you daughter"

“See” I said in a challenging tone “You wanted me to leave him, so that you can imprint on a stranger and leave me”

“Bells” He said in a low sure voice "Nessie is your and Edwards daughter, if you never was with him, she wouldn’t have existed and I wouldn’t have imprinted on anyone” I wondered for how long he had thought of this.

We broke into silence, then he decided to complete when he knew I wasn’t going to answer.

"It was heaven’s justice for me, to help me with all the pain I was in” he paused like he was trying to figure out how to say the next sentence “Bella it’s not about what you became. You now have a husband that - only for you - became my friend”

He paused like he was hiding his pain “But now I know what I want”

I sighed feeling the pain that I always had imposed on him.

“And no” He added without looking in my eyes "I would not cause the same pain to you just because I still want to be around you, I wouldn’t let you see me being with Nessie” He exhaled “Nessie and I will -now- have to stay here for your sake now more than anyone's”

I couldn’t say anything, and tears weren’t going to fall to decrease my pain, but I knew he was right, like he always were.

“Ok” thats what I could say “I’ll talk Edward into this, you can leave with her tomorrow after we are finished with Charlie’s visit”

“Thanks” he said in his sweet smile and he held my hands lovingly and added “Don’t worry I am practicing controlling my thoughts in front of your bloodsucker” 

We both laughed as we both knew how he sucked at this.

I went back to the cottage, went to Nessie’s room. She was awake, waiting for the news. I didn’t want Edward to hear this now so I took her hand silently and and extended my shield. I then kissed her on her forehead and wished her luck.  she was very happy I had agreed to her plan. I then reminded her not to think about it.

Seeing my daughter happy was the prize of the sacrifice I would be doing by keeping myself away from the person that I now realised was the most important in my life. I was late, too late.

I put myself beside Edward, he seemed to sense my tension, so he didn’t ask for details. I didn’t tell him about my agreement with them, I thought I would delay that for the morning when I’d be strong enough to argue. I think he was relieved that Renesmee was back earlier anyway. I was very glad Jacob always slept far away from Edward’s mind hearing range.

I stared at the ceiling that I now knew in details. Maybe it wasn’t so bad that we were leaving, at lease some boredom will go away.

I thought of what Jacob had said, and I thought of what I did intentionally five years ago. I knew now that warmth, flesh and growing old with a loved one, were things I didn’t value correctly. I wish I had listened to him when he told me he wanted me to know all my options.

For the first time during this night, I was relieved I can’t cry, because Edward would have sensed it, and I don’t want to hurt him, he was the love I chose  for my forever lasting life.

Suddenly, the memory hit me, the memory of honest words spoken to me long ago by my least favourite Cullen at that time - Rosie.

I remembered them clearly  'You’re choosing wrong’.