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acted somewhat more normal. It's only for a laugh. But I saw it online and thought it hilarious, and thought I'd share it on my blog!
If Bella Was Sane
By: The One Called Detetra
Moved to Forks. Have no clue why, as I hate it here. I suppose I did it for my mom, of my own choice, so I guess I have no right to complain. Dad got me a car, though, which is beyond awesome.
Went to school. It's alright. There are some inhumanely beautiful people around here who look exactly like each other, are all dating each other, and apparently are not related.
The excuses people make up for incest.
DAY TWO, LATER
One of the incestuous beautiful creeps sat next to me in Biology. I think he hates me, judging by the ferocious glares he keeps giving me for no reason.
I really better stay away from him. He looks kind of mentally unstable. It'd totally ruin my day to be raped, killed and dumped in a trash can behind a McDonalds somewhere.
DAY TWO, EVEN LATER
Everybody is so nice. Especially Mike. I kind of like him. I wonder if he'd go with me to that Girl's Choice dance?
Edward wasn't in school today. I was more relieved than I should be, but there's something really unsettling about him.
Hung out with Mike and friends at lunch. Was fun.
Edward's here again. Now he wants to be friends. I ended up staring at him. It seemed kind of rude, but yesterday I could have sworn his eyes were yellowish (is that even a natural eye color?) and today they were pond-scum colored.
Edward's eyes are black now.
The hell? Does he have colored contacts? How many pairs do you need?
He also says that we shouldn't be friends. O-kay, mister bipolar weirdo, fine with me. In fact, I'll help you with that venture by staying the hell away from you as much as possible.
Got invited to a beach party. That's totally cool of Mike, considering that I've barely been here for a week.
Edward is finally leaving me alone. Phew.
I almost got hit by a van. Holy crap, right? I barely got as much as a scratch, and Tyler was completely messed up. And people were paying more attention to me!
Does Tyler have some kind of bad reputation or something? Poor guy.
Beach party was pretty cool. Some guy with a pony tail made some cryptic comments about Edward and co. Whatever the hell that was about.
Went to Port Angeles with some friends. It was going fine until Jessica and Angela somehow disappeared and four guys started following me.
I wasn't really worried, though, because I'm not stupid enough to walk down some dark, deserted alley alone for no good reason.
Except then, a Volvo pulled up and lo and behold, the creep himself, Edward Cullen. He pulled me into the car and drove off.
"What the hell, man?" was my rightfully outraged reaction.
He just shrugged.
"Were…were you stalking me or something?"
"Um…no. I was just around and I…saw you," he said. He clearly didn't think much of my intelligence if he thought I was gonna buy that.
I told him to take me home, but he entirely ignored me and took me to some restaurant. I tried to get the hell out of there and call a taxi, but he just grabbed my arm and ordered me something.
That's it! I'm getting a restraining order.
Then he told me that he was a vampire.
Okay, Edward. Whatever you say.
Got freakazoid to take me home, anyway. God. What the hell is wrong with him? Should I report this to the police? He did help me…but still.
Edward caught up with me again. Holy crap, he just doesn't give up, does he? He started asking me all these weird questions, like what color my underwear was.
Most of my answers involved curse words, so I won't relate them.
Today, Creepy Stalker Dude took me to a meadow.
Not of my own will, of course. He kind of just dragged me along, and as I don't have a cell phone, and he DOES have a vice-grip, all I could was yell obscene things at him and kind of stumble along.
So we get to the meadow, and it's all sunny, and then…he just starts sparkling. Apparently twinkletoes had put on some body glitter or something that really shows up bright in the sun. I asked him why he was going to such elaborate measures to inform me that he was gay, but he just said that he loved me too.
And I was all, "But I don't love you! I don't even like you! In fact, after all this, I hate you! Are you deaf or something?"
And he was like, "I know, my dearest snowflake, but I am too dangerous for our love to flourish!"
So I just stared at him blankly, because some things just don't deserve an answer. He didn't try to stop me when I left, though, so that's at least a plus.
I didn't really expect Creepy Stalker Dude to leave me alone, and my expectations were met completely. He stopped by my house after school (I had managed to successfully evade him for most of the day by skipping lunch and biology) and told me that we were going to meet his family. Once again, such displays of supreme, nigh unfathomable, obliviousness don't deserve answers, so I went back into the house, but he somehow knew where the spare key was! And he even admitted that he'd been watching me sleep for the past month. He clearly thought it was romantic. He must have taken my horrified stare as a loving one, because he smiled and forcibly pulled me out of the house and into his car. Okay...going to meet his family, then.
So we got there, and apparently he has this nice house and all, and his family is all almost, if not just, as crazy as he is. And they all look like each other. EXACTLY like each other. And they're all dating. That's it! My mom's happiness is NOT WORTH this crap – I want to go back home to Phoenix.
DAY TWENTY-THREE, LATER
I tried to tell dad about the sheer ridiculousness surrounding the Cullens. I managed to sneak away from the CSD and found a phone, but before I could start all the felony-worthy crap he's been doing, he found me and dragged me off to play baseball. No, really. I barely had time to grab myself a twinkie for later.
And I was just there, holding my twinkie, standing next to his slightly-more-normal-than-the-rest-of-them mom, looking for an escape route, when three more of the freakily perfect guys come into the clearing. And it was like, yeah, pretty general stuff (as general as being in these peoples' proximity can get, anyway), when one of the guys nods to my Twinkie and says, 'I see you brought a snack." Which is admittedly a very strange conversation starter, but maybe he was hungry and wanted to politely ask if he could have it.
Well, Edward completely freaked out at that, seemed to think that the guy was going to, like, eat me or something, and he apparently knew that it was true because he 'read his mind'.
He seemed to think that he was going to whisk me away to Canada to 'save' me from the 'cannibal'. You know what, Edward? Up yours backwards and forwards!
I only managed to get myself out of that one by pretending to go along with his plan, and saying that I had to get rid of my dad. He seemed to buy that.
Course, I just walked in and told Dad everything that Edward did. This turned out to be a great decision on my part, because he immediately turned his gun on darling Eddie and sorted that out for me.
I love my dad.
Edward was arrested, it turned out. Very much relieved, I can finally breathe easy with the knowledge that he won't be jumping out to proclaim his undying love for me anymore. All his siblings/sex-buddies seem to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Whatever. So long as they leave me alone.
Mike asked me out. Totally a yes! I thought I’d never get asked out by a reasonably normal unsparkly guy.
Well, it's my birthday tomorrow. Turning eighteen. I was never really big on celebration, but hey, what kind of person doesn't like a day where everybody is nice to you and gives you free stuff?
Birthday was okay. Got some cool stuff and had a lot of fun with friends at school with my camera. Although Mike was acting a bit…weird.
He broke up with me! On the day after my birthday! What a freakin creep! When he told me that he 'thought we should see other people', I punched him in the face. It felt good. So I punched him again. Then I kicked him in the gut and called him a douche. Then I walked home trying to remember the number of that cute Indian guy I met last year.
I can't believe it.
Okay, what happened was that I couldn't get Jacob's number so I decided to drive down to La Push and say hi or something. And on the way there, guess who I saw? Edward-Freaking-Cullen, who had apparently gotten out of jail. I knew there was no escape now. My truck was too distinctive for him not to notice me, and notice me he did. The sparkly creep just stands in front of my car, giving me a choice between running him over and stopping. I was about to go for it and just kill the guy, but the engine suddenly decides to stop working.
Oh, crap-crapping crap-tastic.
So of course Creepy Stalker Dude has to go and talk to me. After the obligatory screaming and cursing, he just gives me this sad pitying look and goes, "Bella, I don't think we should be together any more."
And I'm like, "Yeah, so do I. Now go away."
So then he actually tries to kiss me, and I was about to kick him somewhere sensitive when he just pecks my forehead like in some sort of cheesy romance novel and runs off.
Fine. Fine, you freak, I'll play your little game so long as you and your psycho family stay the hell away from me.
Then my only problem was that now I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with a broken down car. While it was raining.
That wasn't strictly Edward's fault, but I still blamed him for it.
I've been hanging out with Jacob Black a lot lately. He's…well, awesome. Like, the best friend ever. I'd ask him out, but I don't think he's into me like that. I don't want to ruin a good friendship, you know? I just hope that he doesn’t think that a big tease, and tht I'm leading him on…man, that would be confusing.
Jacob asked me out.
I tried cliff-diving.
Holy crap, wow. It was totally crazy. I mean, Jacob was with me and everything, and it wasn't even that high, in calm weather (I'm not THAT stupid, tch), but it was still completely wild. I mean, honestly, jumping from a cliff. Like I was committing suicide or something.
Anyway, it was pretty fun when I think about it, although at the time it was just pants-crappingly scary.
O.M.G. The creepy Cullen family just won't leave me alone. I barely manage to get home when Alice of all people shows up on my doorsteps, babbling about how she 'foresaw' my 'suicide' with her 'psychic powers'.
"Alice," I told her, amazingly patient considering the situation. "You are crazy. Seek mental help. And tell your brother to do the same while you're at it."
"But that's just it!" she squeaked. "Edward thinks you've committed suicide!"
"He's going to kill himself!"
"We have to stop him!"
"Uh, no way, crazy pixie girl. I'm not going anywhere. He can go off himself if he wants to—one less creepy freaktard in the world."
A long pause.
"We have to stop him!"
I could only stare at her, deciding that she was indeed every bit the loony that Edward was.
"I'm going to go now," I informed her, and started to walk in the front door when she just grabs my wrist and drags me to her car. Where the hell is she hiding those muscles?! This girl is freaking tiny! She shouldn't be able to tote me around like this! Oh, the indignity. I'm currently sitting in the passenger seat in Alice's car and she's driving so fast I can't risk opening the door and jumping out.
Why the hell have I not bought a cell phone yet? After what happened with Edward last time, too. Oh, god, I'm being kidnapped by this tiny little lunatic and I can't do anything about it.
JACOB. SOMEBODY. SAAAAAAAAVEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Attempts to escape Alice at the airport were unsuccessful. Yes, dear diary reader, airport. We're going on a fun trip. Weeee. According to the voucher, some place called Volterra in Italy. I suppose if I can't escape her, I can mooch off her money and take an involuntary vacation.
Yay for me.
DAY THIRTY-FOUR, Later
We're on the plane.
Alice keeps getting this distant look in her eyes and explains that it means she's getting a 'vision'.
That's it. I'm jumping out of the plane, and if I can't find a parachute, so be it.
Okay, so I didn't really jump. The damn flight attendant stopped me. Alice didn't seem to really notice, still being in her 'trance'. I'm passing the time by writing in this stupid diary.
So we're in Volterra now. Cool place, there's some kind of festival going on. I was just starting to enjoy myself despite the whole, you know, being kidnapped thing, when Alice starts going bat-crap over Edward's supposed suicide. I didn't pay much attention because I was convinced she was a madwoman at this point, but considering how strong she actually is, I might want to be a little more observant of her and her numerous 'eccentricities'.
DAY THIRTY-FIVE, Later
Well, looky there. Edward actually was here. I could hardly contain my joy when I saw him.
Hurl, hurl, hurrrll.
Anyway, he was doing that WEIRD sparkling thing again. But that aside, it was bad news, because God knows what Edward would do if he saw me.
I was just about to turn around and run far, far away when he notices me. Then his face lights up in this disgustingly adoring expression and he goes, "Bella! My love! You are alive!"
"Yeah, no crap, Sherlock," I deadpanned in return, now accepting my gruesome imminent fate.
Diary, by now I'm sure you've noticed the pattern that occurs whenever Sparkletoes and I meet. He assaults me and says disgusting things about his love for me. I then proceed to hit him, swear at him and threaten to call the authorities until he eventually desists.
Just leave it to the freaktard to screw up the system I'm comfortable with.
This time, he just won't let go. At all. He's been clinging to me for the past several hours while Alice squeals happily and drives us to the airport. In fact, he's currently leaning against me with his grubby little arms around my waist while I write this diary entry.
I hope he's reading what I'm writing right now so I can tell him that EDWARD I HATE YOU AND THE SECOND WE GET HOME YOUR BUTT IS GETTING THROWN BACK IN JAIL, YOU FREAKING GLIMMERING TWINGLETOES.
I'm sorry. I just had to get that out.
Well, we're home.
And my dad didn't believe me when I said I had been kidnapped by Alice.
WHAT THE FLYING FRICK!
Dad kept going on about how it was "irresponsible to run off with Alice to see my boyfriend" and how I should have "just called him" and…okay, I can see how he would think that.
I can't believe Dad didn't put Sparkletoes back in prison, though. Of course, Dad says Crazy-Stalker-Guy got out on parole. But damn, what kind of moron on parole goes back to doing exactly what he got there for doing?!
Edward, of course. Because he's just that...urgh.
And now I'm stuck with him, on the rare moments I'm not stuck inside.
Kill me now.
The only light I had was Jacob Black, my boyfriend. My actual, real, mutual boyfriend who is not Edward and who did not once put on body glitter and did not once kidnap me.
Unfortunately, Jacob heard that I went rushing off to Italy to try to find Edward. I tried to explain, but Jacob broke up with me anyhow. Damn!
This is just Mike all over again, except worse. I thought we were serious. I don't know, maybe it was stupid, but I thought it was for real, and now he just left…and worst of all, even before that he was becoming, for lack of a better word, Edwardy.
It's that stupid gang Jacob joined. Whenever I ask him about it, he gets all dodgy and evasive and says he's not allowed to tell me and acting as though it's this huge serious business. That's not the worst part. The worst part, is that once I got him to tell me what the deal with the gang was, he told me it was werewolves.
Yeah, werewolves. And he says, of course, that he can't "change" in front of me because he'll lose control and maul me or something.
I would say that this town is crazy, except he doesn't even live in this town. Maybe this whole state. Maybe the water in Oregon is just spiked with the crazysauce. I've been drinking the crazysauce, too, though, so I guess that means I'm crazy too. Whatever. I don't even know.
I'm just confused and sad. Which is an okay thing for a teenager to be sometimes, I guess. I think what I need to escape and go somewhere that's not real for a while, and not full of crazy people, either.
Later that night, I got crap-faced drunk! I'm not 21 yet, but there's no law about that on the Wolf Den Bar that’s on the La Push Indian reservation.I am going to get so crap-faced I won’t have to think clearly again. My face will be a literal piece of crap. That crap-faced.
I got toally piss drunk. The more I drank, the drunker I got. The drunker I got, the more I forgot. The good part was that I completely forgot about Sparkleboy Edward. The bad part, for a while I didn’t know exactly who I was either.
Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god.
Diary, I screwed up. I screwed up bad. I can't even remember the last day or so. I remember having to tell my dad repeatedly that I was okay with him taking a fishing weekend, I remember going to the bar, laughing with my friends and trying to forget about Jacob, I remember drinking a lot…and then nothing.
Where's my phone? I finally got one after years of inconvenience and lot of good that's doing me. Dad can't answer anyway. He's away fishing the whole weekend, they don't get reception out there.
Oh god oh god oh god. What did I do? What the hell did I do? I have to assess the damage now, I'll write later oh god oh god oh god.
DAY-TOO WASTED TO KNOW
Why am I in a dress? I don't own a dress like this.
What more, why am I in a really skanky, cheap-ass, white dress? I look terrible in white.
Crap! This is a wedding dress …crap, crap, crap, double-crap!
Where am I anyway? I think I'm gonna pass out again.
DAY - FREAKING OUT
I'm lying in some cheesy hotel room.
WHERE DID THIS RING COME FROM?? WHERE OH GOD!
I AM GOING TO MURDER-KILL SOMEONE SO HARD WHEN I GET MY CRAP TOGETHER AND FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED.
Okay okay calm down... no one has to die… it's all gonna be just fine. Who's this scumbag laying beside me, anyway? Did I get it on with him last night? I mean I'm not a virgin, but drunken stranger intercourse isn't totally okay with me. Or, like, at all.
Wait just a second... I'd recognize that glittering face anywhere!
That's Edward Freakin Cullen.
Edward Cullen is asleep in a hotel room that I am in and I am wearing a cheap-ass ring on my left ring finger and a skanky wedding dress.
I TAKE THAT BACK
MURDERK-KILLING WILL DEFINITELY TAKE PLACE
AND IT WILL BE DIRECTED AT HIM.
DAY - WHO GIVES A CRAP
Okay. I am trying very hard to write calmly through the blinding rage I am currently experiencing, so excuse me if my writing is a little wavery. Even though you're a diary and you can't excuse anything. We've been over this.
The good news is that I did not have drunken intercourse with Edward Cullen.
The bad news is that I am now married to him.
As soon as I finish recording this for posterity I will punch his face with my newly-acquired ring hand until he explains everything, agrees to annul the marriage, and buys me a puppy.
Because I need a freaking puppy right now I swear to god.