I can’t help but compare my life to the intricately written chapters of a book; chapters written to display the fatal attraction humans will forever have to the forbidden fruit. The attraction we have to the unknown.
Humans like to play with fire sometimes – just to see if they’ll get burned.
I feel my story has ventured through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, but one thing that’s stayed consistent – whether I was human, or a vampire – is my irrevocable love for Edward Cullen; my personal miracle. He was once the forbidden fruit, the danger, and now he’s the sweet apple that rests in the palm of my hands; no longer virulent, no longer fatal.
That’s how I see it.
Edward, on the other hand, still struggles with the thick, unrelenting, haunting thought that he’s robbed me of my soul. My purity. The truth is, if my soul was sacrificed for this immortal life, then I robbed myself of it. To live this way, to die in order to be conscience –frozen – forever with Edward, was my choice.
Everything I’ve done, everything I’ve been through, I’d so it all over again to stay with him for eternity, forever. To have Renesmee. To be part of this family; to be a Cullen. I would do it all again.
The sacrifice; it was all worth it.
On Monday March 28th, Edward and I will be heading back to Dartmouth College, like we had planned. I’m worried, but I know I couldn’t hurt anyone. Though it’s my instinct – to hunt, to kill – I know that I couldn’t carry on, for eternity, with the reality that I’d killed someone; taken an innocent human’s life. I did hunt down and kill those criminals who almost robbed Charlie of his life, but I felt that was justified. They were the furthest thing from innocent.
I think about Jasper and how difficult it was for him to resist the sweet–smelling bouquet of human blood back when I had just moved to Forks; how he almost turned me into a snack at the Birthday party that Alice the Cullen’s threw for me. Yet, he attended Forks High School almost every day – except, of course, on those extremely rare days it was actually sunny. He fought his natural instincts to feed on the mass of humans who walked past him or sat near him every day. His face gave away his struggles, yes, but he didn’t kill. He knew he had something good with the Cullens.
I’ve naturally always had more control than Jasper, so I think I’ll be okay. Besides, I’ll have Edward close by. He’s my constant reminder to practice control, to never slip up. If I did, the Volturi wouldn’t waste a second on my destruction. Leaving this world, leaving Edward, Renesmee, Jake, Alice… everyone I love, could never be worth the satiation of my thirst. It’s what I’ve been telling myself since I was turned. Control is the most important thing if I want to be here, with everyone I love, for this forever of ours.
Charlie went to visit Sue just a few days ago. He wanted to go to Forks, to his old white house, to adjust the heating now that the temperatures have dropped even more. We winterized Charlie’s house already, but we hadn’t anticipated such cold weather and only barely left the heat on enough to prevent the plaster and pipes from freezing. He needed to turn it up slightly to accommodate the new plummeting temperatures.
That was his excuse, anyway.
He let us know he would be seeing Sue before he left Forks. Edward already knew. He told me that Sue had been dominating Charlie’s thoughts since he’d last seen her. He missed her. Charlie knew Sue was angry about what he’d become. She felt as though his decision to be turned stole away any chance they had to form a bond, even a friendship. Sue is, after all, the Mother of two wolves, while Charlie is the Father of one vampire Daughter and a Grandfather to a half–human, half–vampire Granddaughter.
Sue’s loyalty will forever be to Harry Clearwater, her late husband. But Sue’s children – Seth and Leah – are part of our family now, regardless of what they are. We’ve done the impossible: found a way to work together with our mortal enemies. There is no reason for Sue to see it differently. And she is warming up.
When Charlie arrived back in New Hampshire he seemed happier, more animated.
“How was your visit to Forks, Dad?” I asked, mirroring his light, contented expression.
His pale face lit up more. “It was great, Bells. I turned the heat up a bit more to keep the place from freezing over.”
“You see Sue?”
“I did. She’s doing well.” His lips pulled up slightly on both sides, traces of a smile breaking through. “She asked me to say ‘hi’ to you all.”
I smiled. “Dad, I think you should spend more time with Sue. It’s just that we’re all coupled up, you know? I have Edward, Jake has Renesmee, Alice has Jasper… you get the point. I–”
Charlie interrupted me. “I do plan on it Bells. Sue’s special to me and I don’t mind taking my time with her. She’s been through a lot, too, and I don’t want to come on too strong. She has every right to be afraid of me right now. She’s human, after all. You might know a little something about the dangers of human/vampire relationships, I’d assume?”
I rolled my eyes, but Charlie was right. Though he admitted that Sue’s blood wasn’t even remotely appealing to him, Charlie was still a threat. Vampires need blood to survive, and that will never change. Our kind have killed so many innocent humans that it’s hard to understand that, with enough control and willpower, we can be compassionate.
“I have a little experience, yes,” I muttered guiltily, glancing back down at the book I was working on. “And as long as you’re happy, Ch Dad. I’ll always feel guilty about you getting in the middle of this crazy world and becoming this” – I pointed my finger back and fourth between Charlie and I – “all for me. For my life.”
“Bells, you know I chose this. I wasn’t going to bury my Daughter. That’s not how life should be; your kids should be the ones to bury you, not the other way around. I chose this.”
I sucked in a breath and nodded. “Just Be happy, Dad. Always.”
He smiled. “I will, I will. You too. Eternity’s a long time to be anything but.”
Edward walked into the room, his sweet scent trickling through my nose. He just got in from outside where he was building a snow fort with Renesemee and Jacob. I looked out the window when they were about half way done and decided it looked more like a snow mansion. One of the perks of super–human speed and strength.
Charlie nodded. “Edward.”
“Nice to see you’re back Charlie. I hope your time in Forks went well.”
“I’m sure you can hear all about it thanks to your lovely prying abilities,” Charlie joked.
Edward grinned and my eyes froze on his face. I would never get immune to that grin. “I try to stay away from your thoughts, Charlie, but I do catch them unintentionally at times.”
Charlie laughed, a loud booming laugh I didn’t think he was capable of. “It’s you I’m worried about. I must bore you to death with my fishing and sports thoughts. Really though, I like having a son-in-law around who can read people’s intentions. It’s helpful.”
Edward inched a little closer to me then sat down on the arm of my chair and slid his hand around my waist. I arched my back slightly from the contact. Edward still dazzled me; his presence, his beauty, was something I’d never get used to.
“I’m glad you see it that was Mr. Swan,” Edward said in that smooth, velvet voice.
Charlie’s smile retracted as his throat began to burn. “Well, I’ll leave you two be. I have to get some deer into me.” He rubbed his hand over his throat and cringed. “This burning throat is one thing I could do without,” he mumbled to himself as he left the room.
The phone rang just as Charlie reached the kitchen. “I’ll grab it,” he groaned through the fire in his throat.
I could hear a male on the other end. His voice was choked, but it sounded like Phil. “Is Charlie Swan or Isabella Cullen there please?” he asked.
“This is Charlie, how can I help you?”
The man – I was almost certain it was Phil – cleared his throat. “I’m so sorry Mr. Swan. I– she’s… ” then nothing. He broke down, his voice unable to push the words through his lips.
“Who is this?” Charlie asked, his lips a straight line, his body stiff.
“It…It’s… Phil,” he managed to get out, barely.
Edward and I ran into the kitchen. Alice and Jasper were coming down the stairs while Rosalie and Emmett slipped in through the kitchen door. Esme came down from her room where she had been ironing everyone’s clothes. Carlisle rushed down the stairs from his study. I heard the front door open and didn’t need to turn around to know it was Jake and Renesmee.
Alice came to my side, her eyes narrowed in on me. “I’m so sorry Bella.”
“What!?” I shouted, moving myself into the comfort of denial. “What are you sorry about? He hasn’t said anything yet, he can’t get it out.”
I felt something in my stomach twist and I froze.
I felt hallow.
Everyone was looking at me, their mouths turned down, like frowning statues. Edward was holding me tightly around the waist, his expression distraught, his liquid gold eyes saying more than words ever could.
I knew I’d have to deal with losing people I loved. I knew I’d have to say goodbye to every human I knew, every human I met, but I wasn’t ready.
It was too soon.
Charlie stood frozen, the receiver almost crushing in his hand.
I grabbed the phone. “Hello? Phil? It’s Bella. You there still?”
He took a deep breath that quivered through his throat. He sounded like he was gasping for air. “Hi Bella, it’s Phil. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry,” he cried into the receiver.
“WHAT, Phil?” My voice boomed louder than it ever had in my life. My eyes flickered to Renesmee who looked terrified. I mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ at her, then lowered my voice. Jake took Renesmee in his arms and she buried her head in his chest.
“Phil, is my Mother okay? Please Phil, please tell me what happened.”
“She’s gone, Bella. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…”
I didn’t hear anything else.
I saw faces, statues. Beautiful statues surrounding me. Their voices sounded like humming; beautiful, peaceful humming. I looked out the window in the kitchen door and saw the icy snow dripping from the branches of the trees. I could see each tiny droplet of ice melt and detach itself from the rest then glide to the ground where it was met by a blanket of sparkly, white snow.
The statues were so beautiful. Everyone looked perfect. Their faces perfectly symmetrical. Their voices like velvet; smooth, soft velvet. One of the statues took the receiver from my hand and it made me mad for a second, then I looked at the most beautiful one, the statue standing next to me – the one with the bronze hair – and my anger dissipated. Just like the snow on the branches, it trickled away.
My eyes darted to the faucet. Water was slowly dripping from the tap.
Why was everything in the distance so clear to me, so vibrant, but everything up close was confusing?
My lips pulled back over my teeth and my hands balled in to fists. From the corner of my eye I saw a girl, she was young and the most beautiful of all the female statues surrounding me. She help hands with a boy; he was different. Something was off about him. I blinked hard and his eyes widened.
He was afraid. Of little ol’ me?
His fear enticed me, though.
I had control.
Things weren’t out of my control because I had control nestled right in the palm of my hand.
He pushed the beautiful statuesque girl behind him, protecting her. I didn’t want to hurt the girl though.
I wanted him…
The statues hummed at me some more. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, though. Too many of them were talking at once and so fast… it wasn’t normal.
My eyes scanned everyone’s face once more then landed again on the boy, the one who seemed different from the rest. I froze in a crouch and let out a malicious hiss. Two hands grabbed me on either side of my cheeks and I was brought face–to–face with the beautiful statue with the bronze hair. I focused just on him. I watched his lips and tried to make out what he was saying. His buttery golden eyes soothed me.
“Bella, it’s okay. We’re all here for you. It’s okay. You’re angry, you’re hurt. This is your first loss and you have the strength to hurt people, so please Bella, stay with me. I love you.”
He paused, then said something through his teeth –that wasn’t directed at me – without removing his eyes from mine. “Jake, take Renesmee and run with her. As fast and as far as you can. GO!”
I heard the door slam. I felt angry. I felt like if I just used my energy, the strength that surged through my body, that I’d feel better. But the statue’s words began to echo through my head: “This is your first loss and you have the strength to hurt people, so please Bella, stay with me. I love you.”
They repeated: “This is your first loss and you have the strength to hurt people, so please Bella, stay with me. I love you.”
Then, just the ending: “I love you.” “I love you.” “I love you.”
My body loosened up. I stood straight up and opened up my fists. I didn’t remove my eyes from Edward’s.
March 26, 2011
He wasn’t some beautiful statue. He was my husband.
And the people around – the ‘humming statues’ – were my family.
“Where’s Renesmee?” I demanded.
Edward’s face showed relief. “She’s gone with Jake for now. You got angry, love. We understand. I just want to take you down to our home, to calm you before you see Jake or Renesmee again.” He spoke to me like I were a child.
“My Mom, she’s gone,” I whispered. It wasn’t a question, I was simply facing the reality that triggered my anger.
Charlie wrapped his arms around me, though I couldn’t feel him. “It was raining heavily, Bells, and she… ” He paused, sucked in a deep breath and closed his eyes together tightly before continuing. “She spun out and slammed into oncoming traffic. She didn’t have a pulse by the time they’d reached the hospital. I’m so sorry Bella.”
My first loss.
I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t feel the pain in my heart. I felt frozen, angry, confused.
The worst part was that I had an eternity to be aware of her void. If there was someplace she would go, where her soul would be, I wouldn’t ever be able to join her.
For the very first time since I had been turned, I understood Edward’s reluctance to make me one of them. But human, or immortal, this would hurt… just differently. With time, the pain would subside. Just like it does for humans.
At least I’d hoped.
In many ways, I was still new to this world; the world I’d begged Edward to make me a part of. There was so much that I’d never experienced as a vampire. I still wasn’t even used to using that word: vampire.
In the meantime, I had to find my daughter. I scared Renesmee and could still picture the expression on her face when I almost attacked Jacob. Her big round eyes pleading with me, her lips curled down in obvious disappointment, her body pressed tightly into Jake’s out of fear.
I pulled myself from Charlie’s grip and looked at the apologetic faces surrounding me. I felt calm.
“Please, Jasper. I want to feel this. I’m calm now, I promise,” I assured him.
Jasper nodded and stopped altering my mood, but I remained composed. He admitted he had a hard time using his special power on me this time, though. “I’ve never had to focus so hard to use my gift to calm anyone before,” he admitted, pulling his eyebrows together in suspicion.
“Have you ever had to try to calm a vampire who had just lost the most important human left in her life?” I asked.
Jasper nodded. “Point taken.”
It was true. I had lost all sense of who I was. Anger flourished throughout my entire body; anger that nothing could control. I didn’t know how to process the information because I was used to my body doing it for me, when I was human. When something hurts a human so deeply, they feel it in their heart, their stomach, their soul.
My mind briefly flickered to the vague memory of Edward walking away, leaving me in the forest behind Charlie’s house in Forks. I could still remember the pain I’d felt as a human when he left, though I could no longer feel it. I remember feeling as though a huge gaping hole had been punched through my chest, however, my body is now frozen, forbidden to remember the physical pain.
Vampires process mental pain differently.
The human instincts we retain tell us that we should be crying, we should be feeling pain in our chest, our hearts, but the reality is that we feel nothing physically.
Our mind, on the other hand, spirals out of control.
When I knew Renee was gone, my granite body filled with energy, strength. My throat began to burn, even though I had just fed. My focus was not on hunting, the burning in my throat was simply telling me to drink more blood to make myself more powerful, to gain control over the situation, somehow.
Vampires are narcissistic in ways. We know we’re strong, and we’re used to deciding if someone lives, or dies. So when death happens to someone we love, and we have no control over their fate, we’ll go looking for control in other ways. Unfortunately, Jacob was almost my ‘other way.’
But regardless of any mental anguish, I have enough logic to know it’s not right. It’s not our place to play God. I had no other choice but to accept that I had zero control and that no amount of physical power, blood or anger would bring her back.
Renee was gone.
I had to be the best mother I could be in the meantime. I had to set the best example for Renesmee that I could.
I excused myself and laced my fingers with Edward’s. We walked at a faster-than-human pace down to our home. I felt embarrassed by my reaction to the news of Renee’s death, though I knew my family was not judging me.
“We’ll be here if you need us Bella,” Esme called after me, her tone so tender, comforting.
I glanced back and met Esme’s warm golden eyes. “Thank you,” I mouthed wordlessly.
Just before we reached our home, I heard Charlie mumble, “I should call Phil back. We need to work out the funeral arrangements.”
This was so real. I couldn’t escape it, couldn’t deny it. I had to simply face it.
When we got to our home, I rested my head against Edward’s chest, right where his heart would be if he were human. I didn’t say a word, but I let him into my head. The first thought I showed him was that I loved him.
After that, I showed him that I would be okay and that I didn’t want him to worry. I remembered what Edward told me before he left me, when he thought he and his family were too dangerous for me after Jasper almost lost control. He said he wouldn’t forget me, but his kind – now my kind – are easily distracted. I hoped this was true.
I told myself that after Ren mom’s funeral I would add the finishing touches to the novel I was writing; the novel of my life as a human. I was having a difficult time writing the ending, but it would be the perfect distraction.
Edward didn’t have to say much to alleviate the mental pain. His sweet breath brushing gently across my face as he whispered, “I love you Bella Cullen” put me in a light, almost trace-like state. His rich buttery golden eyes were deep pools of sympathy and he wanted to make it all better, make it go away.
When I hurt, Edward hurts. And when Edward hurts, I, too, hurt.
I didn’t want to hurt Edward.
“After the funeral, I’m going to finish my book. I’m excited to let you read it,” I whispered, lifting my face just slightly from his chest.
He ran his long pale fingers through my hair. “I’m excited to see how human Bella managed to spend her life married the worlds most dangerous predator.”
I laughed, a light laugh. “I know you never would have hurt me. I felt safest with you when I was human. I was never afraid, never.”
“I know,” Edward began bemused by the thought. “I often questioned your sanity, love.” I didn’t have to lift my head off his chest to know he was grinning, that perfect crooked grin.
I heard two different heartbeats in the distance and shot up off our bed; one thudded healthily, forcefully. The other fluttered faster, like a bird flapping its wings, readying for takeoff.
“Renesmee!” I shouted as I ran up the stairs in what would have been a blur to the feeble human eye.
Edward was right behind me.
I rounded the corner and there was my beautiful angel standing there looking at me with her beautiful big brown eyes. Jacob was right beside her and had his arm wrapped around her shoulder.
“I’m so sorry I scared you angel,” I said as I wrapped my arms around Renesmee and pulled her toward my chest.
She hugged me back and I sensed she was comfortable, not afraid. “I feel bad for you, mommy,” she began, choosing her words carefully. “I would hurt so badly if you ever died. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I love you so much.”
I had no words.
Renesmee wasn’t upset about the fact that I’d scared her. She hurt, but it was for me. She felt my pain. I always knew I had a beautiful, loving daughter, but in that moment I realized just how deeply she felt for others. Her compassion made me so proud.
Jake looked down at the floor then sucked in a deep breath and I knew he was about to say something. “I’m really sorry about your loss, Bella,” he mumbled awkwardly. “If you need me for anything, you know where I reside.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Jake.”
Esme clasped her hands together and half smiled. “Well Jacob, I made you some shepherds pie. You must be getting hungry. It’s in the kitchen when you’re ready.”
Esme was always on top of things and Jake loved her to death for it. In a flash, Jake was off in the kitchen wolfing down the disgusting human food that I had once enjoyed.
Renesmee stayed by my side, her head resting against my torso. “I love you sweetheart,” I whispered softly to her before I gave her a quick kiss on the top of her head.
“I love you too mommy.”
March 24th 2011
Renee’s funeral was tough.
It’s difficult to artuculate the feelings that run rampant when you’re laying your mother to rest. She looked beautiful in her casket, though.
For now, I don’t want to elaborate too much on Renee’s absence. I want to think of the fun times we had together. Most are vague, but as I type this, I have the t-shirt memory quilt – that my mom gave me as a graduation present – wrapped around me. Her scent still lingers on the quilt; it’s comforting.
After my mother’s funeral, I finally put an ending to the novel I had been writing. One of the advantages to being an immortal? We don’t sleep, so side–projects, like writing books, can be done while my Nudger is asleep.
It was the middle of the night, around 3am, when I called Edward into my library. “Would you like to read the book I just finished writing?” The words sounded bizarre leaving my mouth.
I wrote a book.
I had been so consumed with reading books that I had never thought of writing my own book. I jumped right into writing the book of my life as a human so fast that I didn’t ever actually think about what I was doing. I couldn’t deny it; being able to say you’ve completed a novel felt rewarding.
Edward came over to me and placed one soft kiss on the hollow of my throat. “I would love to,” he whispered in my ear.
Naturally I melted, or at least it felt like I did.
“Here.” I shifted my laptop towards Edward. “I’m sure there are some grammatical mishaps in there, just ignore those,” I said, biting my lower lip as I began to feel somewhat nervous about Edward reading my story.
He half laughed, but it didn’t touch his eyes. He was focused on the computer now; devouring the words, drinking them in. I left the library to let him read in private. Smiling, I realized this would be the first time Edward would get to see the thoughts I had about him when we first met. He could never read my mind, but this would be his chance to take a peek inside.
Here’s an excerpt of the ending of the book for you to read, too:
“I’d never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go. I can’t bring myself to regret my decision to stay human; they were the most amazing human years any mortal could have possibly lived. And I’m so grateful I got to live them with Edward.
Edward waits with me everyday beside my hospital bed in the Cullen house here in Alaska as I prepare to leave this world, to take my final breath and cease to exist.
It tears me up inside. I can’t deny that I worry about what he will do once I’m gone, though he promised me he would remain part of this world; to be a father to Renesmee – now known as Renesmee Black.
I am 87 years old. Though having Carlisle around has been a big help, I can’t fight what I am.
There’s not a lot you can do once cancer decides to unleash its fury and take over your feeble human body. I’ve chosen to go without treatment and succumb to the inevitable; death.
I have no way of letting Edward into my head to see just how much I love him and how thankful I am that he has loved me back all of these years. He still tells me I’m ‘the most beautiful woman who has, or ever will, exist.’
I just laugh.
My hair is grayed and my face is sallow. My skin has deep lines in the spots around my mouth and eyes that crease when I laugh. I love those lines, though. They’re memories; memories of every time Edward & I laughed together.
Emmett stepped quietly into my room and tip-toed to the side of my bed. “Bella,” he whispered. “Please don’t go. Please. I love you so much, more than you’ll ever know. You’re the most fearless, bad–ass sister in the world. We can turn you. I’ll do it myself.”
Edward’s lips pulled over his teeth and a low hiss escaped. “Emmett, let her go in peace. She deserves a soul. This isn’t the life for her.” His voice had no emotion, just emptiness.
Emmett grabbed my hand gently, careful not to move the intravenous tubes, and softly kissed it. “I have to say goodbye now then. I can’t watch as you slip away. I might be a monster, a predator, but this… this is too much. I love you, sister. I’ll miss you so much. Goodbye Bella.”
“I love you too Emmett,” I replied with an attempted smile as he turned and slipped back out the door.
Rosalie, Jasper, Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Renesmee and Jake came in moments later. In all my years, I had never seen their beautiful, statuesque faces contorted in such a way. So sad. All of them.
“You’d think someone was dying or something,” I joked, to lighten the mood, or try to.
It might have been a little inappropriate.
“Bella, please,” Edward plead as his chest heaved up and down. The pain was swelling through his body and I felt guilty for making light of the situation.
“I’m sorry, I really am. I just don’t want to see you all so unhappy.”
“Oh Bella!” Alice sighed as she danced toward my bed and cupped her hand over mine. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I love you so much and a day wont go by where I don’t think of you.”
“I love you too, Alice.”
Tears began to well up in my eyes, again. I had spent a lot of time crying lately; mostly with Edward as we reminisced about all the fun times we had spent together. I lived a surreal life, and I had Edward and his family to thank for that.
Over the years, Rosalie and I had become close. We weren’t close in the same way Alice and I had been, it was a different kind of close. We didn’t go shopping together often, but we talked a lot. We recommended books to each other and Rose even taught me a lot about cars. But the hostility had completely evaporated, thankfully.
Rosalie’s goodbye was quick. She pulled it off like a band-aid. I expected her to. “Goodbye Bella. I love you–” she hesitated, then leaned forward and whispered in my ear “– and for the record, yes, I’ve always been jealous of you. You’re fearless and you went against all the odds. Rest in peace sister. I will never forget you.”
I smiled through the weakness I felt washing over me. “I love you Rose.”
It had been decided that Jasper, Carlise and Esme would remain in the room for my passing. No one was certain exactly how Edward would react, but regardless, he would need them there. Renesmee and Jake wanted to be in the room, too.
Esme would be the voice of reason, the motherly support. Jasper would help keep Edward calm should he lose control of himself. Carlisle would be there to pronounce me dead.
I felt myself slowly slipping, my aged body losing the battle. Edward sat there, taking in the pain from everyone’s thoughts on top of his own, his body shaking as anger and hurt welled up inside him. He held my hand so lightly and placed a soft kiss on my forehead every-so-often and whispered, “I love you” in my ear. I shivered as his cool breath blew gently across my face.
I drank in Edward’s beauty one last time and squeezed his cold hand to tell him it was time for me to go. He shook and – for the first time since I had known him – he looked weak, his will to live disappearing more as I neared my last breath.
He looked drained.
“I love you so much,” I whispered and a single tear escaped my eye. “Every time you see a star shoot across the dark sky, think of me.” I looked around the room weakly, my eyesight slipping. “Renesmee,” I whispered, “my beautiful angel, I love you. I love you all so very much. I’ll be watching over you all. Promise.”
Edward inhaled a deep breath and muttered a sound I’d never heard from him before. He was crying, without tears. “I love you my beautiful lamb. I love you, I love you, I–”
September 13th 2065
Bella’s final breath came in a wild gasp that shredded my lifeless heartstrings apart, turned my stone-hard body to complete and utter weakness. Her heart came to a halt and I had to fight with everything I had in me to let her go, to keep myself from turning her and making her mine forever.
But I couldn’t be selfish. My Bella deserved so much more than this. I am, after all, Edward Cullen: a vile, masochistic monster. She was my perfect angel. My delicate, breakable lamb.
I spend every night at Bella’s grave. Not a single night has gone by where I haven’t sat with her, from twilight until dawn, and talked about Renesmee, Jake and our family. I can feel her with me still; not physically, but I know she hears me.
I have considered having myself destroyed on so many different occasions, when her absence becomes too unbearable, then I look at Renesmee’s big brown eyes and I remember the promise I made to Bella. Though it’s been tough, I plan to adhere to that promise.
My life has lost all purpose. It is back to being like a moonless night; very dark. So very dark. I will continue existing here on earth, but all happiness has slipped through my fingers and I know I will never, ever know a purpose for existing again. Bella was my life.
It’s twilight again. It’s time for me to head to Forks and visit Bella’s grave. This is the only light in my night now. Bella asked to be buried in Forks; she wanted to be laid to rest in the place that brought us to each other.
I have so much to tell her. Tonight would have been her Birthday and I wrote a book for her, as a present. A book of how our lives would have been if Bella had become one of us, immortal. I called it, From Twilight to Breaking Dawn. Those are the hours I spend with her each night, so I thought it would be a suitable title.
I plan to read the book to her, a little bit each night.
I’m off to go be with my love now.
I heard the door to my library open up and Edward was by my side within seconds. He didn’t say a word, just wrapped his arms around my body and held me. He held me so tight, his cheek pressed against mine, his chest pressed into me so hard, like he was trying to escape inside my body.
“Are you okay?” I asked, somewhat shocked by the impact my book had on him.
“I couldn’t have done it. You were right. You were right all along. I’m selfish for turning you, yes, but Bella… I need you. You thrust the reality of how we could have ended up in my face, and I realized I was crazy to have considered letting you leave this world eventually. I –”
“– Edward,” I interrupted, “I didn’t write the book to prove a point. I just wanted to close that chapter, close off the ‘what-ifs’ of my human life.”
He pulled his body just slightly away from mine so he could look me in the eyes. “I know the book wasn’t about proving a point, but reading that was so difficult, painful. I couldn’t imagine actually going through that. I simply couldn’t. I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving. You are my life, Bella.”
My eyes circled the contours of his perfectly sculpted jaw, then made their way back up to his beautiful golden eyes. “You’re my life, Edward. You always will be.”
Edward lifted me off my feet and swirled me around in the air, his eyes wide and buttery, so full of life. “I can hear Jacob’s thoughts right now and he wants to propose to Renesmee, but I’m having a hard time being angry now that I have been reminded of how lucky I am to have you here with me, forever.”
My jaw dropped. “What? Propose?”